Scan Appointment

So I was lucky today. I got an appointment for my PET scan this coming Wednesday. I didn't think I'd get in that soon, but I'm glad. As I was talking with the lady doing the scheduling, I felt a panic attack coming on. The problem is, when I don't think about all of this, I'm fine. When I'm reminded of the reality, I panic, fighting back the tears and fears.

I had a sad time in bed early this morning, thinking about Gunny.  I love her so much.  As a retired/rescued greyhound, you sign a contract with the rescue group, that if for any reason you cannot keep the dog, you must return the dog to the group.  Which means, if I die, Gunny goes back to the group and they will rehome her with prescreened adopters, so she would never be in danger or ever have to suffer. Jack would not be in a position to continue to care for her. Thinking about how confused she would be, maybe even scared just hurts me.  She was shy and scared when I first brought her home, she only trusted me. It took some time, but Jack was added to her tiny circle of trusted humans.  She has mellowed with age and seems to accept strangers coming into the house or even when we take her out, allowing some to pet her.  But we are always with her during those times. And cookies help.  I've just always kept my dogs until they died, even after their death, as I have their ashes, never wanting to have the thoughts of not knowing where they were or how they were being treated.  I never thought I'd ever go before my dog.  God willing, I won't this time either.

My beautiful Gunny

Happy Place

The last couple of days have been good.  I've spent most of the time in my basement glass studio, doing what I love best, my glass.  The studio isn't pretty but it is filled with finished projects, glass waiting to be used, patterns waiting to be made, empty wine bottles to be slumped, my drawing table, the smell of incense, a blankie and bone for Gunny when she comes down and generally most of the comforts necessary to spend copious amounts of time down there.  For me, it is my happy place, even before this new cancer scare.  I can't even find the right word to describe how I feel down there.  And since I'm always thinking of the next 5 projects while working on 2 or 3 current projects, it prevents those scary thoughts from entering my head.

I talked to my mom for the first time today since finding out about this new issue.  I'm fortunate, at 55, to still have my mom, who is in good health and as feisty as she always has been.  I cried a little but I cry easy.  My mom is concerned of course, but unlike my sister, knows that if chemo is what I need, then that is what I will get.  My sister doesn't like the thought of chemo, since it actually is poison but I trust my doctor is doing what is best for me.  He is a cautious doctor and that is good.

So tomorrow I will try again to get the appointment for the PET scan set up (my efforts on Friday didn't go well, I won't go into that).  I am going to buy some more glass.  I am going to order a few new glass molds.  I'm going to get back on my diet and continue losing weight.  I am going forward as if nothing new is happening.